by
Shari (Zissie) Gitel
zissieg@walla.com
Why Me?
One of the greatest lessons I have learned from this whole experience is that there are many aspects of life over which we have no control, and when faced with any of them, if we don’t put things into perspective we waste a tremendous amount of energy on misguided anger. How much anger I expended at the beginning of this experience! I was wallowing in self-pity and angry at everyone and everything. Woe unto anyone who got in my path. Just ask my husband! My tongue developed a mind of its own and lashed out at family and friends. No one could do or say anything right.
It didn’t happen overnight, but slowly, very slowly, I learned how to put things in perspective and accept the situation for what it was. Initial anger is certainly understandable. The natural question “Why me?” is the first one to pop up, both for the patient and the caregiver. When you think about the question, though, in an objective sense, the corollary is “Why not?” Do bad things only happen to other people? What is so special about me that I should merit exemption from diseases, accidents, or any other traumatic event? Isn’t it rather self-centered and childish to think that if I’ve behaved well I shouldn’t be punished in this manner? The trick is to reassess the situation and not consider it a punishment—turn it into a challenge and a means of bettering yourself.
Consider the situation a challenge—not a punishment
Sensitivity Training
I do not in any way mean to trivialize the difficulties patients and their caregivers have to endure or the hardships visited upon anyone. The vagaries of life seem to conspire to produce an endurance test and a challenge where sometimes the hurdles seem insurmountable. Attitude, however, can make all the difference. Acceptance of the circumstances, I believe, is the first step to development of a constructive attitude to aid in coping with daily challenges. Once I resigned myself to the fact that this is what life has in store for me, I decided there must be a reason for what had been visited upon me and asked myself what I could learn and gain from the experience?
Sensitivity to the feelings and obligations of others has been a by-product of this whole experience for me. Though it took me a while to attain this level of understanding, I feel more attuned to the moods and needs of my parents and better appreciate the time and geographical constraints that prevent many family members from visiting more often. I enjoy the luxury of being retired. As small as the world has become, it is still no mean feat to find the money, time and energy required to travel long distances when one has to contend with work and children.
UNSOLICITED ADVICE?
JUST SAY “YES”.
At the other end of the spectrum there are those who feel they must insert themselves into the picture and know better than I what is best for my parents. They will not hesitate to make suggestions and offer criticism. Annoyance with these people and their intrusion into my personal affairs was my gut reaction. It takes a great deal of self-control to refrain from telling them to mind their own business. I was raised to be courteous, and I courteously let them know how much I appreciate their concern. Then I just go on doing what I consider is in my parents’ best interests. The advice I received long ago from my pediatrician right after our first child was born has served me well over the years. He warned me that everyone was going to tell me what I was doing wrong in caring for my baby and how it would be better if I did things their way. His advice to nod my head ‘yes’ as though I was agreeing to all their suggestions and then proceed to follow my own motherly instincts was one of the best recommendations I ever received. So, here I am utilizing that same advice in a reversal of roles—what served me well then, continues to serve me well now.
Role Reversal and its Toll on Emotions
This issue of role reversal is laden with emotions in and of itself. Whereas once I relied on the sage advice and care of my parents (other than in my teen years, of course), now I am obliged to take responsibility for their needs and make decisions affecting their lives. I am changing them and feeding them and lifting them in and out of a car. It is an awkward position to be in to say the least. Often the obligation of respecting their dignity and wishes clashes with the ethics of assuring their physical well-being. Their understandable desire to want to die already and not have to endure the indignities of not being able to handle their own affairs and physical needs hurts me to the core. I don’t want them to suffer, yet I don’t want them to leave me either. As a defense mechanism I have developed a rather hardened façade so they don’t see how much they are hurting me. I do not make light of their wishes, but I do try to get them to know how much I understand how they feel and encourage them to make the best of the situation.
Often this requires putting on a face of cheer and demonstrating an attitude of hope that in reality are totally false. We are cautioned not to rely on miracles, and there is no medical reason to believe that my parents will recover from their illnesses or see any improvement in their condition. Reality dictates otherwise. In the early stages of these trials I went through a phase of denial. I pushed and pushed to get my father to put more effort into his rehabilitation. I did whatever I could to exercise and medicate my mother’s mind to ensure that whatever faculties she still had would remain intact. It became easier to cope, however, once I accepted the situation and resigned myself to the fact that my parents just weren’t going to get better.
ACCEPTING REALITY AIDS IN COPING
Have you ever been to Venice? One of the tourist attractions there is the “Bridge of Sighs”. It is a bridge over one of the canals that leads to the jail cells from which there was no return for the criminals sentenced to imprisonment. Well, I have my own Bridge of Sighs. After every visit with my parents in the nursing home I leave with a sigh of frustration and helplessness. I am already experiencing the feelings of grief at having lost them. Their personalities have changed as have their actions. They simply are not the parents I remember. Sigh....
To family members who speak to me after visiting my parents and express how upset they are with the rapid deterioration in my parents’ condition, I must seem very uncaring. They, however, see the situation on a very infrequent basis, whereas I see the situation regularly and have become somewhat inured to it. What they don’t understand is that I am already beyond the sorrow and the grief stage of losing my parents. Their decline is something I take for a given now, and what may appear as nonchalance on my part regarding their condition is simply my way of demonstrating that I have already cried myself out and worn myself out in caring for them. I will put on a happy face for my parents and continue to boost their spirits, but I know in my heart of hearts that I have lost them already. If that’s hard for others to fathom, so be it. I have accepted the situation. This is my way of coping.
Faith and future
Fear is another emotion I have begun to experience. It has nothing to do with the caregiving that has played havoc with my state of mind; rather it is a result of thinking of all the genetic probabilities that point in the direction of my one day being in the same condition as my parents. My chances for developing cancer and/or dementia are looking pretty good. The thought of being on the receiving end of the caregiver process is not tantalizing to say the least. I only hope that if and when that time comes I will be able to accept the help graciously. My children are aware of my wish that I not be a source of their having to put their lives on hold to take care of me. If I reach the stage of needing such demanding care, they have their instructions to get on with their lives and hire others to care for me.
Issues of faith often come to the fore when life deals you a severe blow. It’s easy to become agnostic when one feels he/she is not deserving of what appears to be God’s punishment. It is so much more dignified, though, to utilize the experience as a means of building character, demonstrating to the world courage in the face of disaster and perseverance in the face of adversity. Despite all the setbacks and sometimes humiliating circumstances my parents have had to confront, they have managed to maintain a sense of humor and keep on going, albeit somewhat reluctantly. They find pleasure in the little things in life—a violin concert, listening to anecdotes about their great-grandchildren, and visits from family and friends.
As for myself, the experience has taught me important lessons that I believe have improved my character. I have gained a greater respect for the elderly. I have learned to exercise a patience that I never before knew I had. I have overcome severe depression and learned to prioritize and put things in perspective. I have learned to be grateful for all the precious moments granted to me. Rather than losing faith, I have learned to pray harder than ever that God continue to grant me and my loved ones His many favors and have learned to look around and recognize just how many favors He has indeed granted us.
My advice to you is to be grateful for every single day and utilize it to its fullest. Who knows what tomorrow may bring? Carpe diem—and don’t look back.
Sites for suggestions on how to cope with emotional turmoil:
http://www.nia.nih.gov/Alzheimers/Publications/coping.htm
http://www.webmd.com/alzheimers/features/caregiver-grief-triggers-mixed-emotions
http://www.ec-online.net/knowledge/Articles/emotions.html
http://www.dshs.state.tx.us/alzheimers/hints.shtm
http://familydoctor.org/online/famdocen/home/articles/589.html
http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/conditions/mental_health/emotion_index.shtml
Guide to Services for the Aged and Disabled in Israel
© Copyright-2008
This work is protected by copyright law. Use of this work or any portion thereof, including photocopying, publication, public production, distribution, translation, broadcast, allowing public access to it, and utilizing portions derived from it for other purposes, without prior written permission from the author is prohibited.
Shari (Zissie) Gitel
zissieg@walla.com
Why Me?
One of the greatest lessons I have learned from this whole experience is that there are many aspects of life over which we have no control, and when faced with any of them, if we don’t put things into perspective we waste a tremendous amount of energy on misguided anger. How much anger I expended at the beginning of this experience! I was wallowing in self-pity and angry at everyone and everything. Woe unto anyone who got in my path. Just ask my husband! My tongue developed a mind of its own and lashed out at family and friends. No one could do or say anything right.
It didn’t happen overnight, but slowly, very slowly, I learned how to put things in perspective and accept the situation for what it was. Initial anger is certainly understandable. The natural question “Why me?” is the first one to pop up, both for the patient and the caregiver. When you think about the question, though, in an objective sense, the corollary is “Why not?” Do bad things only happen to other people? What is so special about me that I should merit exemption from diseases, accidents, or any other traumatic event? Isn’t it rather self-centered and childish to think that if I’ve behaved well I shouldn’t be punished in this manner? The trick is to reassess the situation and not consider it a punishment—turn it into a challenge and a means of bettering yourself.
Consider the situation a challenge—not a punishment
Sensitivity Training
I do not in any way mean to trivialize the difficulties patients and their caregivers have to endure or the hardships visited upon anyone. The vagaries of life seem to conspire to produce an endurance test and a challenge where sometimes the hurdles seem insurmountable. Attitude, however, can make all the difference. Acceptance of the circumstances, I believe, is the first step to development of a constructive attitude to aid in coping with daily challenges. Once I resigned myself to the fact that this is what life has in store for me, I decided there must be a reason for what had been visited upon me and asked myself what I could learn and gain from the experience?
Sensitivity to the feelings and obligations of others has been a by-product of this whole experience for me. Though it took me a while to attain this level of understanding, I feel more attuned to the moods and needs of my parents and better appreciate the time and geographical constraints that prevent many family members from visiting more often. I enjoy the luxury of being retired. As small as the world has become, it is still no mean feat to find the money, time and energy required to travel long distances when one has to contend with work and children.
UNSOLICITED ADVICE?
JUST SAY “YES”. At the other end of the spectrum there are those who feel they must insert themselves into the picture and know better than I what is best for my parents. They will not hesitate to make suggestions and offer criticism. Annoyance with these people and their intrusion into my personal affairs was my gut reaction. It takes a great deal of self-control to refrain from telling them to mind their own business. I was raised to be courteous, and I courteously let them know how much I appreciate their concern. Then I just go on doing what I consider is in my parents’ best interests. The advice I received long ago from my pediatrician right after our first child was born has served me well over the years. He warned me that everyone was going to tell me what I was doing wrong in caring for my baby and how it would be better if I did things their way. His advice to nod my head ‘yes’ as though I was agreeing to all their suggestions and then proceed to follow my own motherly instincts was one of the best recommendations I ever received. So, here I am utilizing that same advice in a reversal of roles—what served me well then, continues to serve me well now.
Role Reversal and its Toll on Emotions
This issue of role reversal is laden with emotions in and of itself. Whereas once I relied on the sage advice and care of my parents (other than in my teen years, of course), now I am obliged to take responsibility for their needs and make decisions affecting their lives. I am changing them and feeding them and lifting them in and out of a car. It is an awkward position to be in to say the least. Often the obligation of respecting their dignity and wishes clashes with the ethics of assuring their physical well-being. Their understandable desire to want to die already and not have to endure the indignities of not being able to handle their own affairs and physical needs hurts me to the core. I don’t want them to suffer, yet I don’t want them to leave me either. As a defense mechanism I have developed a rather hardened façade so they don’t see how much they are hurting me. I do not make light of their wishes, but I do try to get them to know how much I understand how they feel and encourage them to make the best of the situation.
Often this requires putting on a face of cheer and demonstrating an attitude of hope that in reality are totally false. We are cautioned not to rely on miracles, and there is no medical reason to believe that my parents will recover from their illnesses or see any improvement in their condition. Reality dictates otherwise. In the early stages of these trials I went through a phase of denial. I pushed and pushed to get my father to put more effort into his rehabilitation. I did whatever I could to exercise and medicate my mother’s mind to ensure that whatever faculties she still had would remain intact. It became easier to cope, however, once I accepted the situation and resigned myself to the fact that my parents just weren’t going to get better.
ACCEPTING REALITY AIDS IN COPING
Have you ever been to Venice? One of the tourist attractions there is the “Bridge of Sighs”. It is a bridge over one of the canals that leads to the jail cells from which there was no return for the criminals sentenced to imprisonment. Well, I have my own Bridge of Sighs. After every visit with my parents in the nursing home I leave with a sigh of frustration and helplessness. I am already experiencing the feelings of grief at having lost them. Their personalities have changed as have their actions. They simply are not the parents I remember. Sigh....To family members who speak to me after visiting my parents and express how upset they are with the rapid deterioration in my parents’ condition, I must seem very uncaring. They, however, see the situation on a very infrequent basis, whereas I see the situation regularly and have become somewhat inured to it. What they don’t understand is that I am already beyond the sorrow and the grief stage of losing my parents. Their decline is something I take for a given now, and what may appear as nonchalance on my part regarding their condition is simply my way of demonstrating that I have already cried myself out and worn myself out in caring for them. I will put on a happy face for my parents and continue to boost their spirits, but I know in my heart of hearts that I have lost them already. If that’s hard for others to fathom, so be it. I have accepted the situation. This is my way of coping.
Faith and future
Fear is another emotion I have begun to experience. It has nothing to do with the caregiving that has played havoc with my state of mind; rather it is a result of thinking of all the genetic probabilities that point in the direction of my one day being in the same condition as my parents. My chances for developing cancer and/or dementia are looking pretty good. The thought of being on the receiving end of the caregiver process is not tantalizing to say the least. I only hope that if and when that time comes I will be able to accept the help graciously. My children are aware of my wish that I not be a source of their having to put their lives on hold to take care of me. If I reach the stage of needing such demanding care, they have their instructions to get on with their lives and hire others to care for me.
Issues of faith often come to the fore when life deals you a severe blow. It’s easy to become agnostic when one feels he/she is not deserving of what appears to be God’s punishment. It is so much more dignified, though, to utilize the experience as a means of building character, demonstrating to the world courage in the face of disaster and perseverance in the face of adversity. Despite all the setbacks and sometimes humiliating circumstances my parents have had to confront, they have managed to maintain a sense of humor and keep on going, albeit somewhat reluctantly. They find pleasure in the little things in life—a violin concert, listening to anecdotes about their great-grandchildren, and visits from family and friends.
As for myself, the experience has taught me important lessons that I believe have improved my character. I have gained a greater respect for the elderly. I have learned to exercise a patience that I never before knew I had. I have overcome severe depression and learned to prioritize and put things in perspective. I have learned to be grateful for all the precious moments granted to me. Rather than losing faith, I have learned to pray harder than ever that God continue to grant me and my loved ones His many favors and have learned to look around and recognize just how many favors He has indeed granted us.
My advice to you is to be grateful for every single day and utilize it to its fullest. Who knows what tomorrow may bring? Carpe diem—and don’t look back.
Sites for suggestions on how to cope with emotional turmoil:
http://www.nia.nih.gov/Alzheimers/Publications/coping.htm
http://www.webmd.com/alzheimers/features/caregiver-grief-triggers-mixed-emotions
http://www.ec-online.net/knowledge/Articles/emotions.html
http://www.dshs.state.tx.us/alzheimers/hints.shtm
http://familydoctor.org/online/famdocen/home/articles/589.html
http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/conditions/mental_health/emotion_index.shtml
Guide to Services for the Aged and Disabled in Israel
© Copyright-2008
This work is protected by copyright law. Use of this work or any portion thereof, including photocopying, publication, public production, distribution, translation, broadcast, allowing public access to it, and utilizing portions derived from it for other purposes, without prior written permission from the author is prohibited.
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